It’s been a while. How’s your new year going? Are you feeling refreshed and renewed?
I feel like our life has been super chaotic lately. It’s always chaotic…but it’s more so this year. I realized the other day that I’m about halfway through my pregnancy – my 4th pregnancy – that sounds so crazy!!!; and I haven’t really posted about it at all. Which is weird, because I’ve been such an oversharer with my previous 3.
This time around is a lot different than before. I’m feeling more grounded than I was during our pregnancy with Christopher. After losing a child to stillbirth, pregnancy becomes infinitely more difficult, and my anxiety was constant and unwavering while Chris was in my belly. And after he came out. For a while, I actually would wake up to check and make sure he was still breathing, like, hourly. It’s that paranoia that comes after losing a child, and it’s unshakable.
This time, it’s almost the opposite. Like, I know that I’m pregnant (I was super sick up until recently, so I BETTER know that I’m pregnant!), but it feels almost surreal. Like time is moving SO fast, and we’re definitely a ton busier than we were before, so it kind of slips my mind that I’m pregnant.
Although I will say that giving myself daily injections in my belly is a good reminder, hah!
Other things are different, too. We already have the baby stuff, so I’m not stressed about making sure we get everything checked off of a list. I’m not nervous about taking care of a small baby. I’m not apprehensive to how my kids will react to another child. I’m not freaking out about how my work will be affected by another child.
Overall, I’m just a lot calmer, because we’ve been through this rodeo and so much more over the past few years. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that when you work hard and focus on what you need – not necessarily what you want, but what you really NEED – everything kind of falls into place. You don’t need all of the latest gadgets and what-nots to successfully raise a small child. Although they’re cool. Like, really cool.
I also don’t feel that anxiety about…will this be my last baby? Because I have this immense peace in my heart that this IS our last baby. I’m comfortable saying that after this one, my body is closed for more babies. I wouldn’t rule out adoption, or fostering down the road…but this is it for mama actually CARRYING the babies.
Side note: pregnancy gets a lot effing harder as you get older. More morning sickness, more aches and pains, more overall uncomfortable-ness starting a lot sooner.
It’s really freeing to feel this way during a pregnancy. If I could go back in time to give myself some good advice with my first pregnancy, it would’ve been to calm down and let things work themselves out. I don’t need to control everything. I don’t need to KNOW everything. Knowledge, wisdom, expertise, baby things…they all come with time. All that you truly need at the beginning is some love in your heart and the essentials, and you’re golden.
But I do want to know…if you could go back to YOUR first pregnancy, and give yourself some really great advice that only comes after having parenting experience, what would it be? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
That’s really everything, for now. Oh, except we FIND OUT if it’s a boy or girl next week, and I AM SO EXCITED!
That always feels like a pivitol time in pregnancy, when you stop just counting the weeks, and start actually counting DOWN to delivery <3 <3 <3 Hope your year is off to a fabulous start, friends!